The hubby and I watched a movie a few nights ago. Just one of those TV movies that doesn’t look too bad. It had some war stuff, which the ex-marine in the room always likes, but I tuned out for the most part. There’s one big scene at the end that caught my attention. Two best friends, soldiers who had joined the army to do something valiant before returning to continue their education are shot and killed while holding onto each other. It’s a very brotherly-love moment, and there was a theme through the whole movie of this war being less than honorable, making their deaths extra tragic. I think, “Oh dear, what a waste. Lives wasted.”
That thought turns to how we, the living, can waste the time we have on this earth.
Recently, one of my old favorite time wasters has reared its ugly head. I had some good momentum, but last month the flu hit our house, and I’ve not felt back at it 100%. However, more problematic is I’m letting the negative self-talk get to me.
I developed this idea long ago that to motivate myself, I need to talk shit to myself. Here’s how it goes:
Oh dear, Becca, look at this house. It’s overwhelming, why didn’t the other members of this family do anything while I was sick.
Might as well, beat up on my family while I’m at it.
These people are the worst. You’re the worst housekeeper. They don’t help, probably because you’re a bad mom. No one cares. These people just use me. No wonder I can’t get anything done. Better not even try.
The “better not even try” part I do not say, but that’s what happens. I beat myself into doing nothing, by berating myself for doing nothing. I did the same thing when I was in the throes of my eating disorder.
You’ve over eaten again. You must get rid of it, and to be safe, not eat tomorrow. But then, after that, eat healthy so I can stop doing this shit. Just eat right, so I can stop purging and starving all the time. Can we say, snowball effect?
It’s a shame it’s not a marketable skill. That would be my calling in life. Too positive today? Over productive? Need a little false humility in your life? Call, Becca, she’ll share some shame with you. Give her 5 minutes of your time, and she’ll have you convinced that you too need to crawl your lousy butt back to bed and hide yourself from world. After all, it’s probably better off without you. Oh, who am I kidding? I would never be that cruel to another person.
— Insert sound bite of Oprah saying “Aha!” —
This is a truth, but I come back to it way too many times. Back to realizing, I’m treating myself worse than I would ever treat another soul. Does that resonate with you?
We must lift ourselves up if we don’t want to waste our lives, friends! I wrote The Waving People and reminded to never underestimate the power of a kind gesture. I’m writing this to remind myself, and hopefully it finds someone else, that kindness must be shared with ourselves as well. In fact, it’s essential to the health needed to live a full life.
There is a part II, of sorts, that’s in the can for tomorrow. I’m saving it for tomorrow, number one because I didn’t want this to get too long or go in too many directions, but also because tomorrow is an important (to me) anniversary.