There was a mental fight or flight that used to take place when life became too much. A life event didn’t go as planned. The weight of my mistake settles down on my chest, and I struggle to breath. My head pounds and the words that scream this is all a disaster crowd out all other thoughts. Something’s gone wrong, and there’s no fixing it and certainly no forgiving it.
I can’t handle the imperfection. I’ve messed up, and that means I’m not enough. I can’t fix not-enoughness. There’s nothing worth fighting for because this means my life is a failure. I did this living thing all wrong. How am I supposed to continue now that it’s ruined, and I’m not enough, and this life is fatally flawed.
My lungs can’t expand, because my entire collapsed life is pressing the air out of them. I don’t know what to do with this pain. It’s enveloping me. I can’t see anything but its darkness. It blots out the tomorrow light. I can’t hear anything but my cries, drowning out any calm thought.
I used to not know how human it was to feel bad feelings. I thought when things went sideways that my world was doomed. I had no idea how normal failure and pain were to the human experience. I had no idea that I could forgive myself for messing up big time. I had no idea that I didn’t lose my worth when times got tough. I didn’t know I had worth outside of how smoothly my life was going.
Forgiving easily isn’t just for the deep dark times in life, though. It’s for the times when we don’t get everything accomplished in our day. When we lay down, purse our lips, shake our head, and hurl a little mental barb at ourselves for not getting it all done.
Forgive easily is for when we go over budget, and want to feel sorry for ourselves for not making more money. When we blame our overspending on how we’re not making enough money.
Forgive easily is for when we forget to text a friend back for a day or two, and they easily say, don’t worry about it. But we worry about it nonetheless, and think, I certainly can’t reach out and be friendly to anyone else. I don’t have time for the friends I already have.
Forgive easily is for when you succumb to eating a cookie and then skip the next meal to make up for it….or punish yourself.
We can be so hard on ourselves in so many little ways throughout the day that it’s no wonder when we collapse emotionally drained into a bottle of wine after the kids are in bed. …or is that just me?
Yes, I can see how forgiving myself for more of my daily faults, my daily humanness could lead to more happiness. I have worked on it, but friends, I must be honest. I have so far to go.
Here is a helpful list of 10 ways to work on forgiving ourselves. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11454/10-ways-to-forgive-yourself-let-go-of-the-past.html
How do you work on forgiveness?