I scribbled down the following last night when I couldn’t sleep. I’d usually edit and polish before publishing, but there’s something so pure about this mess of thoughts and feelings, that I decided to publish as is. I will probably tinker with it at another time and find lovelier words than “ok” and add some variety and question having a Biblical quote in the middle. “Today,” however, it feels right to let this be raw and unpolished.
Today, I accept my weakness.
I don’t try to run from it. Numb it. Hide it. Fight it back.
I’m human, damn it. I can’t always be strong and determined and motivated.
I’m not killing it. I’m roadkill.
But today, I say ok.
Today, I let it be what it is.
I surrender to my humanness. To the mess. The weakness.
The fight to hide it is destroying me more than the weakness ever could.
Today, I need for it to be enough. I need for it to be ok that I’m on my knees again.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matt. 11:28
I need rest. I need that to be ok. I need for the One who seeks out the broken to see me.
I surrender the broken.
Right now, that’s the only way forward.
Right now, I warrior on by throwing my hands up.
I warrior on by taking off the facade of strength. This armor doesn’t fit me. It’s caused more pain that it’s prevented.
Here I am, Lord, weary and burdened. Give me rest. Take this too.
I trade in my strength for rest. I’m wreaked.
Soldering on isn’t working.
My ideas aren’t working, so I’ll take Yours and rest.